Both Shari and Kanga attempted to put up emotional blockades when they first had feelings for their Caucasian boyfriends. Both were unsuccessful. In the end, they were confident the joy of the relationship would balance out the discomfort of home life.

“I hear my family say things sometimes, and I’ll come to Kenny crying because I’ve got to sit there,” says Kanga, who relies on her parents for tuition. “I can’t say anything because if I do, then I’m afraid they’re going to think something’s up. It’s very difficult. I just feel torn, and I don’t know what to do, don’t know what to say. I feel like in the end, it’s just going to be a really big mess.”

A big mess maybe, but not an unforeseen one, says T. John Akamatsu, director of Kent State’s psychological clinic. He sees this problem as not only common but inevitable. He points to factors as primal as fear and ego when explaining why recent American immigrants are adamantly against their children crossing cultures to date.

“Although we do live in a ‘melting pot,’ the individual components retain a level of individual identity, which may be threatened or diluted by cross-cultural dating,” Akamatsu says. “As generations go by, the need for maintaining a separate identity diminishes, and cross-cultural relationships may be less threatening to ideas, people or cultures different from themselves.”

a normal relationship
Shari says while keeping a large part of her life secret from her parents takes some getting used to, when she is secluded with her boyfriend, it’s just like any other relationship.

“Two people learning new things about each other and each other’s background,” she says.

Kenny says his relationship with Kanga is unfazed by any sort of color or creed when they’re together, but he feels he’s missing out on culture that could prove interesting.

Kenny wishes a part of Kanga’s life did not have to be hidden from him.

“He asks me questions, and I try to answer them the best I can,” Kanga says. “I really wish he could experience it, but right now we just can’t. Last night we watched Bend It Like Beckham. I thought it might be interesting for him to watch because there’s little things in there that are pretty similar to my family.”

The 2002 movie is about a girl of Indian origins who keeps her life of soccer and blossoming romance secret from her orthodox Sikh parents.
Besides experiencing Kanga’s culture second hand through movies, the extent of Kenny’s exposure has been through the cuisine.

“She’s had me try some Indian food,” he says.
“But I’m not a big fan of spicy food, and the food is really spicy.”

Kanga doubts he gave his taste buds a chance.
“You didn’t even try anything,” she says with a chuckle.

a matter of faith
Shari says being raised in America has softened her Hindu beliefs.

“Religion only plays a big part because it is such a big deal to my parents that I should end up with a ‘nice Hindu boy’” she says.

On the parental side of the problem, religious concerns may trump all else, professor Lee says, adding that the high rate of Korean immigrants marrying whites is because of religion. The second generation Korean Americans she has talked to in her research say their parents are such devout Christians that they don’t care what race or ethnicity their children choose to end up with, so long as it’s a Christian person.

Neither of these couples has experienced prejudice or discrimination of any kind. The nuances of hate they have encountered have come from a place one might find surprising.


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