©This story is property of The
CyBurr, the online version of The Burr,
The V Word
Waiting for sex: It’s
not as uncommon as you think
Story by Rachel Myers
Photos by Emily Rasinski
Demetria Carson spoke barely above a
whisper as she pulled from her wallet a faded blue card she’s been carrying
with her since she was 16.
“It’s a reminder of a choice I made when I was very young,”
She
has it memorized and recites, “My wedding gift. As the ultimate gift, on this,
our wedding day, I give you my virginity. I give myself to you untouched by
another so that we two can become one. I commit myself to you forever.”
“It’s hard sometimes because I’m human,”
But a major problem with these findings, and others, is the gray
area of what is virginity and what is not.
Defining Virginity
The Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal of 1998 sparked debate
over the seemingly simple question: What is sex?
“Sex is any kind of sexual immorality,”
Jamie Howard, senior marketing major, says she disagrees.
“That’s called making out,” Howard says. “I mean, it’s a form of
sex, but just because you do that doesn’t mean you’re not a virgin anymore.”
Most people agree with the traditional concept of sex, according
to a study published in the May 2001 Journal of Sex Research, which was
conducted by Laura Carpenter, an assistant professor of sociology who teaches
gender studies at
But when other forms of sex, such as oral, come into question, the
results are muddled. Carpenter concluded that the reason for the confusion was
a result of society’s transformation in response to social movements, such as
feminism and gay rights.
“An individual’s sexual identity and broad social changes around
sexual identity play a huge role,” Carpenter says. “Gay men and lesbians tend
to define virginity loss in ways that apply to their own experiences.”
Men vs. Women
Carpenter’s article says the labels of “virgin” and “non-virgin”
hold different meanings in terms of one’s gender identity.
“I found that women and men tend to interpret virginity loss differently,
with women more apt to view virginity as a valuable gift and men more likely to
see virginity as a stigma,” Carpenter says.
Mike Spear, sophomore marketing major, doesn’t like to talk about
his virginity.
“I don’t tell people if they don’t ask,” Spear says. “For guys,
there’s a really negative stereotype. The title bothers me because being a
virgin is considered a definite flaw if you’re male.”
Spear compared the stereotype he faces with the one applied to
women with multiple partners.
“It’s not right,” Spear says. “But I guess that’s just the way it
is.”
Pat Blech, senior computer information
systems major, lost his virginity at 15, but says he has witnessed this type of
discrimination.
“Calling a guy a virgin is almost like calling him a loser,” Blech says. “I don’t think that way, but a lot of people
would say it’s like there’s something wrong with you.”
Spear admitted there are times he feels like “just getting it over
with,” to escape being profiled.
“If a girl walked in here right now and asked me to have sex, I
would totally go for it,” Spear says. “Unless she had a cold sore or
something.”
Why Choose Abstinence?
Sexually transmitted diseases are something Amanda Morgan, an
August 2003 graduate, doesn’t worry about.
“It’s nice that I don’t have to stress that,” Morgan says. “Being
a virgin gives me a great deal of power that way.”
Morgan, who has never kissed anyone, is proud of her choice and
says it’s something that actually attracts the opposite sex.
“I will tell a guy straight out where I stand, and a lot of them
want me because I’m a virgin,” Morgan says. “When it comes down to it, he wants
a girl he can take home to mom.”
But some people don’t think it matters either way.
“I wouldn’t judge anyone just because they were or weren’t a virgin,”
Howard says. “I think everyone is different, and everyone has the right to
decide what they want to do without criticism.”
While being a virgin may not be a choice for all who carry the
label, it is a sacred one for
“Sex is a soul-tie,”
Carson, who would not reveal the extent of her intimate experience,
is not hesitant to pronounce her faith in Christianity as the foundation for
her choice.
“I value what I have with the Lord,”
Carson, who had one serious boyfriend in high school, says
maintaining friendships with other virgins and dating only those who share the
same views on sex has given her strength.
“My dad was always saying, ‘Watch out for them boys!’’’ she says
with a shy smile. “If a young man truly loves me, he will wait for me because
he respects me and believes the way I do.”
Morgan, whose father is a pastor, also cites religion as her
motivation for remaining chaste.
“It’s important to me what God thinks of me,” Morgan says. “I know
a marriage license is just a piece of paper, but it symbolizes a greater
spiritual commitment.”
Morgan is currently in a long-distance relationship with a Muslim
man she met on the Internet. She says despite following different faiths, they
share similar beliefs.
“He’s also a virgin, and he’s waiting for marriage, too,” Morgan
says. “Sometimes I wonder if the anticipation of sex will turn out to be
greater than actually having it.”
The Hype
Howard lost her virginity when she was 15. She says she felt pressure
from her boyfriend at the time, and the experience wasn’t what she thought it
would be.
“I thought I was in love,” Howard says, pausing before she speaks
again. “But the whole thing was really weird at first, and when I look back
now, I wish I would’ve waited. I was just a baby then.”
Howard says it wasn’t until a four-year relationship with someone
she cared about that she was able to fully appreciate the act.
“Being with someone you really love puts it on a whole different
level,” Howard says. “After that experience, I can’t see myself sleeping with
someone I’m not in a relationship with.”
Kim Syme, senior marketing major, feels
the same but says sex “wasn’t really a big deal” for her.
“I lost my virginity when I was 16 to a guy I dated for a long
time, and we’re still together,” Syme says. “I think
it’s helped our relationship because it gives us a stronger connection.”
Mike Dempsey, sophomore sports management major, has slept with
“It’s not the only thing I look for, but it helps to have a good
sexual relationship,” he says. “I have no problem staying with one person, but
I’ve never considered abstinence. I don’t think that’s anything to feel sorry
about.”
Dempsey, who says it would probably take him a few minutes to
remember the names of each woman he’s had sex with, doesn’t think about being
judged.
“It’s my choice, and it’s not a privilege for later,” he says.
“It’s a form of expression for now.”
Howard has had regrets about losing her virginity and other
decisions she has made about sex but says she doesn’t let it get to her.
“You know, I’ve had mornings in the past when I woke up and
thought, ‘What was I doing?’” Howard says. “But I just try to learn from the
mistakes I’ve made and move on.”
Dempsey, Syme and Howard all say they
could not have saved themselves for marriage.
“I don’t know what things would be like if I had waited,” Howard
says. “But I know I wouldn’t have had the patience to find out.”
“I won’t lie, it’s hard sometimes,”
Morgan agrees. She calls herself “boy crazy” and marvels how she’s
made it this long.
“I get really frustrated, and sometimes I ask God how much longer
I’ll have to wait,” Morgan says. “He hasn’t given me a straight answer yet, but
he does give me patience.”
Sex Education in High School
The
Abstinence-only: This type of education
discusses reasons to remain abstinent and how to say no to sex. This program
does not teach about abortion or contraceptive use and discusses information
about STDs and AIDS as a deterrent to sex. This program rarely discusses
homosexuality or sexual identities.
Abstinence-only advocates cite surveys that show those who pledge
to remain abstinent until marriage are less likely to have sex than those who
have not taken a pledge. Abstinence-only advocates also note surveys that link
moral and religious beliefs to abstinence.
“Abstinence
is the main goal,” says Jim Neely, a Ravenna health teacher. “We talk about
STDs as a deterrent. We talk about condoms, but we don’t talk about all the
contraceptives.”
Neely says that sex education is a touchy topic. He says Ravenna
High School has nurses come in from the Kent State campus to talk about topics
such as sexuality and date rape. When touchy topics like these come up, Neely
says he sends home a letter to the parents asking permission for the child to
participate in the discussions.
Abstinence-plus: This type of education
promotes abstinence first, but also acknowledges that many high schoolers will become sexually active. This program teaches
correct contraceptive use and discusses information about aids, stds and abortion. This program also teaches about sexual
identities and homosexuality.
Abstinence-plus advocates cite research that shows programs
educating students about contraceptive use and abortion does not increase
sexual activity in teens. Advocates say these programs may actually prevent
young people from having sex.
Stow-Munroe
Falls High School in Stow uses an abstinence-plus curriculum. Linda Nickson, health promotions coordinator, says the school
tries to promote abstinence first, but also discusses contraceptives and stds.
“We know we have kids who are sexually active and we try to
address that,” she says.
Source:
University of California, San Francisco
Additional
reporting by: Danielle Toth
©This story is property of The
CyBurr, the online version of The Burr,