©This story is property of The
CyBurr, the online version of The Burr,
Leaving Scars
Story by Karin Olander
Photos by Molly Corfman
“I don’t know if I have anything in here,” junior visual communication design major Liz Demiter says as she rummages through a box of odds and ends in her cluttered college dorm room. “I don’t really keep that stuff around anymore.”
After some searching among faded pieces of paper and random knickknacks, she finds what she is looking for—a slightly beat-up, rusty razor blade.
There does not seem to be any indication of the formerly depressed, self-destructive teenager—just a sweetly smiling face framed by a shock of blue hair. She stands in the middle of her bright, comfortable room, holding up an object that she once used to slice away her sadness.
From ages 13 to 18, Demiter dealt with depression and emotional distress by puncturing her skin, usually cutting deep enough to create visible wounds and scarring.
“When I first started, I used kitchen knives, and it somehow progressed to razor blades, probably because they are significantly sharper,” she says. “I started on my upper arms, but I really didn’t want anyone to see what I’d been doing to myself, so I started cutting my stomach and basically anywhere my clothes would cover, including my upper thighs, chest and forearms.”
These days Demiter doesn’t go to great lengths to hide herself. Wearing only a tank top, she is more than willing to show her scars, which cover a large portion of her stomach in a wince-inducing tapestry of thin, crisscrossing white lines. The scars on her upper arms, however, are perhaps the biggest and most gruesome reflections of how serious cutting can be. The thick, pinkish lumps of dead tissue not only reflect past physical wounds but also act as a blaring, constant reminder of the emotional pain that came along with it.
Diana Marshall, a
“Not everyone who cuts has a primary psychiatric disorder like depression,” she says. “Most self-injurers have a commonality with having difficulty expressing their feelings or not being in touch with their feelings.”
According to WebMd.com, an estimated 2 million Americans participate in some form of this behavior.
One of the places in
Pat Tabbara, a victim-of-crime counselor at the center, says she has counseled people who cut themselves.
Tabbara says the reasons for cutting have “Something to do with the unpleasantness of feeling numb, a desire to feel something rather than nothing. If you’re feeling pain, there is something gratifying visibly manifested.”
She notes that some cutters are victims of child abuse and other traumatic crimes, and bodily mutilation can be a way of identifying with their abusers. As for the overwhelming statistic of women being cutters rather than men, Tabbara says the issue is a social one.
“In general, the ways that women can express anger and pain tend to be more against themselves,” she says. “It might actually be more socially acceptable for a guy to go out and hurt someone else. It is a socially acceptable target of anger.”
Verbal Silence
Although Demiter’s physical wounds scream volumes about her inner pain, she says verbal silence and numbness were the reasons she felt compelled to cut each negative feeling, line by line, into her skin. Demiter says she used cutting as a defense mechanism.
“I used to be the kind of person who suppressed everything, and I refused to cry about anything. Cutting helped me to be able to feel something—even if just for a moment,” she says.
As Demiter begins to conjure up images of red streaks trickling into a sea of pale skin, she adds, “Seeing yourself bleed is definitely a reminder of the fact that you’re still alive.”
There are several types of treatments available for those who cut, including counseling services and support groups, which have been increasing in number over the past few years, says Kent State psychology professor Angela Neal-Barnett.
“It is very important for those who self-injure to have someone to talk to who understands what they are going through,” Neal-Barnett says.
Although there is no specific timeline for recovery from cutting, having the motivation to stop is key.
“In a sense they are working every day and any day they can stop. It’s almost like a chronic type of illness,” Neal-Barnett says. “If you manage things well, you don’t think about your disorder. With these types of disorders, people are doing things every day to maintain their recovery.”
As a person who has grappled with cutting for several years, Demiter confirms this.
“I know when it comes to people who are seriously into cutting themselves, they are not going to stop until they want to,” she said. “I guess you could say I grew out of it. I learned how to more effectively cope with life influences.”
But Demiter isn’t quoting her psychiatrist. In fact, she says being forced to go to a psychiatrist didn’t help her at all.
“All she did was interrogate me and put me on medication. I decided after a few months of taking it that it was time to take myself off it without telling anyone,” she says. “Sure, when I wasn’t on the medication, I was a really sad person, but I had fleeting moments of happiness. I took myself off it because at least when I wasn’t on the meds, I was happy some of the time.”
Dr. Joseph Varley, chairman of psychiatry at Summa Health System, says medication does not work for everyone who self-injures.
“There is no magic pill,” he says. “Sometimes medication may not be best. They should talk with their doctor. Some people want that form of help, and others do not.”
More than two years have passed since Demiter last cut herself, but she says she is still dealing with the consequences that come from the experience.
“It definitely still affects me because I have scars that will never let me forget the decisions I’ve made,” she says.
Demiter proves that even the most seemingly laid-back person can have painful histories to bear. She has her own form of advice for those still battling with cutting or just starting to self-injure.
“Ultimately, I guess I’d show them my scars to help them see just how terrible it is,” she says. “I’d remind them that they’ve got people who love them and care about them, and that it truly does hurt them to see someone they love hurting themselves.”
Helplines:
Townhall II Emergency Services
24-hour helplines:
330-678-HELP (4357)
330-296-CALL (2255)
Non-Emergency: 330-678-3006
SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends)
Alternative Information Line
1-800-DONT-CUT (3668-288)
National Youth Crisis Hotline:
1-800-448-4663
Depression Hotline:
(630) 482-9696
National Suicide Hotline:
1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
©This story is property of The CyBurr, the online version of The Burr,