Cy*Burr // spring 2004

Although Demiter’s physical wounds scream volumes about her inner pain, she says verbal silence and numbness were the reasons she felt compelled to cut each negative feeling, line by line, into her skin. Demiter says she used cutting as a defense mechanism.

“I used to be the kind of person who suppressed everything, and I refused to cry about anything. Cutting helped me to be able to feel something—even if just for a moment,” she says.

As Demiter begins to conjure up images of red streaks trickling into a sea of pale skin, she adds, “Seeing yourself bleed is definitely a reminder of the fact that you’re still alive.”

There are several types of treatments available for those who cut, including counseling services and support groups, which have been increasing in number over the past few years, says Kent State psychology professor Angela Neal-Barnett.

“It is very important for those who self-injure to have someone to talk to who understands what they are going through,” Neal-Barnett says.

Although there is no specific timeline for recovery from cutting, having the motivation to stop is key.

“In a sense they are working every day and any day they can stop. It’s almost like a chronic type of illness,” Neal-Barnett says. “If you manage things well, you don’t think about your disorder. With these types of disorders, people are doing things every day to maintain their recovery.”

As a person who has grappled with cutting for several years, Demiter confirms this.

“I know when it comes to people who are seriously into cutting themselves, they are not going to stop until they want to,” she said. “I guess you could say I grew out of it. I learned how to more effectively cope with life influences.”

“Cutting helped me to be able to feel something—even if just for a moment.”

But Demiter isn’t quoting her psychiatrist. In fact, she says being forced to go to a psychiatrist didn’t help her at all.

“All she did was interrogate me and put me on medication. I decided after a few months of taking it that it was time to take myself off it without telling anyone,” she says. “Sure, when I wasn’t on the medication, I was a really sad person, but I had fleeting moments of happiness. I took myself off it because at least when I wasn’t on the meds, I was happy some of the time.”

Dr. Joseph Varley, chairman of psychiatry at Summa Health System, says medication does not work for everyone who self-injures.

“There is no magic pill,” he says. “Sometimes medication may not be best. They should talk with their doctor. Some people want that form of help, and others do not.”

More than two years have passed since Demiter last cut herself, but she says she is still dealing with the somber consequences that come from the experience.

“It definitely still affects me because I have scars that will never let me forget the decisions I’ve made,” she says.

Demiter proves that even the most seemingly laid-back person can have painful histories to bear. She has her own form of advice for those still battling with cutting or just starting to self-injure.

“Ultimately, I guess I’d show them my scars to help them see just how terrible it is,” she says. “I’d remind them that they’ve got people who love them and care about them, and that it truly does hurt them to see someone they love hurting themselves.”