Over time, I learned how to cope and how to let go. I don’t know if grieving ever really ends, and I doubt the pain of losing my loved ones will ever truly stop. I just know there is some solace in acceptance. I know my real father was dead long before his physical body collapsed. What was left was a walking disease, a suit of scars incapable of reason or compassion. It was not the person my mother married nor the man my father wanted to become.

Ronald was just a series of bad decisions, just like the one Devon made when she climbed on the back of a motorcycle with a drunken man. There have been many times I wish I had been there to pull her away from him and many times I have been thankful that the driver, too, died that night. But I can’t change the past. I can only move forward.

Rebuilding is a slow process. I still get caught up in the sadness of my past. There are still many days when my biggest feat is getting out of bed. Sometimes suicide still lurks in the back of my brain, but it does not consume me. Devon and the angels will have to wait.

Little by little, I am becoming stronger. I am clawing my way out of depression and stitching back my skin, weaving in old memories — the good and the bad.
Grief helped me grow. It has shown me what I am capable of and made me proud of how far I have traveled. I feel like a new woman. I feel more complete and wise beyond my years.

My new legs are now walking away from death. My new eyes can see situations clearly. My new hands clutch old photographs and lift the needle from the record machine.

Erin Roof is a senior magazine journalism major. This is her second time writing for The Burr.

Lyrics from the song “Marquee Moon” © 2005 by Television, used with permission from Verlaine Music.

Help with healing

It’s not uncommon for people to be confused when losing a loved one, and the loss can cause them to think about their own mortality and spirituality, says Tracey Loye, assistant director of the Psychological Clinic in Kent Hall. Students should seek help if the loss causes feelings of panic, anxiety, guilt or depression months after the death. These feelings may impair functioning in day-to-day life.

Students can find help for grieving at Psychological Services in DeWeese Health Center, the Counseling and Human Development Center in White Hall or the Psychological Clinic.

The university doesn’t have one overarching policy for students who are in the process of bereavement, says Sheryl Smith, associate dean of students and director of the Center for Student Involvement. Everything is done on a case-by-case basis. Attendance policies and deadlines are set by individual professors.

For students who are choosing to withdraw from Kent State, Smith or Greg Jarvie, dean of students and student ombuds, can assist with that process.

If students choose to withdraw, they must contact their academic college and file a university exit form, Jarvie says. Students also may appeal for a tuition refund through the Bursar’s Office or Jarvie’s office, if the student can’t be present.

Another option is taking an incomplete for a course, if there are fewer than three weeks left in the semester, Jarvie says. This option allows students to complete their work after the semester ends.

Services at the Counseling and Human Development Center and the Psychological Clinic are free to Kent State students. Psychological Services charges a nominal fee and will work with a person’s insurance provider.

Counseling and Human Development Center:
330.672.2208, 325 White Hall
Psychological Clinic:
330.672.2372, 303 Kent Hall
Psychological Services:
330.672.2487, second floor of DeWeese Health Center

— Laura Hanna